Greetings.
I was feeling nostalgic just now so I started looking through some of the 500+ photos of me on Facebook. Most of these pictures are of me onstage playing guitar over the last few years. It got me thinking about all of the things I have accomplished. This is good for me, my therapist says, to help curb my insecurities and fear of failure and inspire me to achieve more great things. The advice about noting my achievements came during a session in which I discovered that I'd crawled back into my little cocoon of self-doubt and depression. I realized that I was looking at certain goals as though defeat was inevitable. I was thinking things like, "She'd never be interested in me," or "I should just settle for this path." I'm glad I caught these thought patterns early, because the last time I let this type of thinking envelope me, I spent eight years as a lonely single man wasting away his twenties. When I was 18 I never thought that way. I was convinced that the world was mine for the taking. I want that confidence back. So, as a nod to my therapist, I thought I'd use this space to highlight some of the awesome things I've accomplished in this life. WARNING: If you think you're going to read this as me gloating, bragging, or otherwise loving myself too much, stop reading now. This is an attempt to remind myself who I am, not some narcissistic tirade. Please continue reading only if you are interested in knowing me a little better and maybe even helping me out.
In 1996, I began helping to raise a child for two years who was not my own. I loved her, however, as if she was. Things with her mother did not work out. Icarus also flew.
From 1998-2000 I played guitar in a Christian rock band and had a reasonable level of local success. We recorded two CDs and toured the Pacific Northwest twice, playing hundreds of shows and a few festivals. I am no longer associated with half of the band members, or the Christian church. Icarus also flew.
In 2001 I joined the Washington Air National Guard and completed an eight month stint through basic training and technical school. In basic training I learned that my only limitations are those I place on myself, and that I can endure and overcome much more than I ever thought possible. I graduated at the top of my Electronic Principles class with a 98% grade average. I graduated second in my Satellite, Wideband, and Telemetry Systems class with a 95% grade average. I continued to serve my country and my state part time for six years. Icarus also flew.
In 2003 I began taking martial arts lessons, specifically Tang Soo Do. I rose through the ranks and achieved the rank of red belt. Two tests away from getting my black belt, I injured my knee and decided to call it quits. Icarus also flew.
In 2003 I returned to college and completed most of the credits toward my Associate of Arts degree. I transferred to Whitworth University for a year, where I spent an idiotic amount of money only to wind up with a plagiarism accusation and a drop-out status under my belt. Icarus also flew.
In 2005 I decided I was tired of being single. I remember the day. I was sitting in line to see the premier of Star Wars, Episode III at the Spokane Valley Mall with all of my friends. I had run into a girl a few days earlier whom I had known a few years before as a friend. I got her phone number. That day I decided to call and ask her out. It was the first time I'd asked anyone out in seven years. I dated her for a couple of months, but broke it off when I realized she was a bit too crazy for me. During the time I was with her, I set my sights on another woman. The problem was, this woman was seeing my best friend, though not exclusively. I made the decision to risk my friendship in order to pursue her. She eventually became my wife, and my best friend and I eventually worked things out. She and I had five beautiful years of marriage together before it fell apart earlier this year at the hands of my deceptive tendencies and ferocious independence. Icarus also flew.
In 2005 I started playing again with a band I had quit a few years before. I was more fully committed, and we played most of the premier clubs in Spokane for a year, opening for several national acts and playing several festivals before our frontman moved to Portland. Rather than pack it up and call it good. I decided to take the reigns of the band and we recorded what is, in my (somewhat biased) opinion, one of the best albums produced by a local artist in Spokane to date. We've played all kinds of big shows around town, and are one of the go-to classic rock dance bands in the region. Icarus also flew.
In 2006, as if hedging my bets, I joined another local band (as a lead guitarist, not a frontman). We have played countless shows, recorded one of the other greatest albums produced by local artists in Spokane, toured the western US twice (once in support of a nationally touring act), and are booked to play the Sundance Film Festival in about two months. Icarus also flew.
In 2009 I returned to school. I finished my Associate of Arts degree at a local community college, and transferred to Eastern Washington University, where I am now two weeks away from finishing my last quarter of classes toward my Bachelor of Arts in Education degree. In just three months, I will have completed my student teaching, and will be certified to teach public secondary school in Washington State. Icarus also flew.
Icarus also flew. I keep repeating that phrase because it has become my mantra over the last few weeks. This last year, I have been plagued by what have seemed to be insurmountable obstacles. The fear of failure was beginning to seep in. Then I happened to read a poem called "Failing and Flying" by Jack Gilbert. The poem reminded me that Icarus, before he plummeted to earth in a conflagration caused by flying too close to the sun, flew. Sure he failed, but he also flew! He achieved something that nobody else had ever achieved before he failed, and he became a legend. You probably noticed that not all of the achievements I mentioned were 100% flattering for me. I have tried my best to be truthful about each situation. I have failed miserably. But I have also flown, and I can fly again. I am not some scared little larvae ready to hole up in a cocoon. I am a brave, capable person who has achieved some amazing things in my years. I have a lot of life left, and my hope is that I can keep up the courage to live it with conviction and strength and fire. When I fail, I will strap on my wings again, and I will fly.
I am the Reverend Humpy and I have approved this message.
