Letters: Vol. 1

Greetings,

I have been thinking about adding the following feature to this blog for a while, and I guess there's no time like the present to do it. I will, then, from time to time, post a series of letters that I feel like writing to various people. Some of them will be angry, some of them will be full of praise, but hopefully all of them will be at least somewhat entertaining. Oh, and by the way, some of these letters may have actually been sent to the appropriate parties.


Letter # 1:

Dear Coors Light Marketing team,

After being subjected to your latest string of television and radio advertisements I feel the need to write you and tell you that I am on to you. Do you really think that the beer drinking public is going to buy more of your shitty beer because the label turns blue when it gets cold? Or because the can has a little "vent" on it? You know, I used to think that Budweiser was the worst domestic beer out there, but I drank a Coors Light a couple of weeks ago at a Father's Day BBQ (it was the only thing they had - I would NEVER actually buy the shit myself) and it is truly terrible - even when the label is as blue as the sky.

So now, Coors Light Marketing team, I would like to say to you the same thing I have been saying about Budweiser for years: If you would put as much money into brewing QUALITY BEER as you do into coming up with bonehead gimmicks to try to sell your putrid product, you might get somewhere. Until then, I guess I just want you to know that your tactics are still not going to persuade me to buy any of your beer-flavored water.

Very Truly Yours,

The Reverend Humpy


Letter # 2:

Dear Senator Obama,

I just read a story about James Dobson's criticism of some comments you made about religion in a speech to the group Call to Renewal a couple of years ago. I just wanted to tell you that I appreciate someone in your position being willing to shed some light on the real "distortions" of scripture being touted by today's mass-media religious leaders. I am not a fan of religion, but I have the utmost respect for people of faith who genuinely seek out truth in spirituality, and who do not abandon their reason in favor of the whatever religious "flavor of the week" is being spewed from the pulpit. A pox on those people who go running out and buy every version of The Prayer of Jabez or The Purpose Driven Life they can find because some pastor is doing a 17-week sermon on it.

I think that you hit the nail right on the head when you said in the above mentioned speech "I think a lot of people aren't reading their Bibles." It seems to me that all I ever get when I quote the unpopular scriptural verses to religious leaders are excuses about historical differences in culture, or the tired line that the Old Testament laws don't apply since Jesus came (That last one always gets me, especially when I quote Jesus as saying "I have not come to abolish the Law, but to fulfill it," or when I start quoting taboo verses from some of Paul's New Testament books about a woman's place in the Church and in society.) I also think that you are right on when you say that people of all faiths need to work together to make our world a better place. I don't want to get rid of religion altogether - I think faith can be a beautiful thing - but I think that if religious people in America started to take the time they devoted on a weekly basis to going to church, or bible study, or youth group, and devoted that time instead to building shelters for the homeless, cooking meals for the elderly, etc, then we would see the true spirit of their faith advance. That would be a beautiful thing.

Lastly I would just like you to know I have supported you from the moment I first heard you were running, and every time I hear you speak, my respect for you grows. I am a little anxious though, because I've been caught "Drinking the Kool-Aid" before (it actually took me six years to realize how incompetent "W" is). I guess what I'm trying to say is please keep standing up for a common sense, but not "dumbed-down" approach to these complex issues, and please don't pander too much to the evangelicals. Their votes are not worth your principles. Please know that you have the passionate support of a great number of Americans who feel that they have finally found a candidate they can believe in. Thanks so much for all of your hard work and sacrifice. I have no doubt it will be worth it in November!

Very Truly Yours,

The Reverend Humpy


Letter # 3:

Dear MTV,

Stop. Now.

Put some videos back on. Maybe some episodes of Jackass and Beavis & Butthead. But seriously, enough of this crap already.

Sincerely,

The Reverend Humpy


Letter # 4:

Dear Fender Musical Instruments Corp,

Thank you so very much for designing the SuperSonic amplifier. It makes me smile. It brings me joy.

Now, if you could just make me a not-too-expensive Telecaster with a thinline body and some P-90 pickups, I would pledge my undying allegiance to you. Until then, however, you'll just have to make do with my gratitude for the Strat and my new SuperSonic.

Thanks again,

The Reverend Humpy.

I am the Reverend Humpy and I have approved the publication of these letters.