I am 32 years old. I will never be a real rock star. I play guitar, sing, and write songs as well or better than most of the "rising talent" out there today, but I am just not dedicated enough to see it through. This scares the shit out of me right now. I am afraid that my whole life has been one long navigation right down the middle. I am constantly torn between vast, spectacular dreams and the mundane safety of an ordinary life. I think about all of the things I could do and could have done, and blearily watch as they sail by me.
Even my appearance is a contradiction. I have long hair, and eyebrow ring, and an earring. I have tattoos on my arms and chest, and then I have the beer gut of a middle manager.
I am married. I have a house with a garage and two dogs, and am well on my way to becoming a high school English teacher. Every once in a while, though, I find myself fantasizing about joining up with a traveling band and touring the country in a beat up VW bus. I think about not sleeping for three days straight and taking all kinds of prescription pain killers and smoking a lot of weed. I've never even done any drugs. Do you have any idea how much it depresses me to watch people's reactions when they look at me and I first tell them that? I had to tell my Air National Guard recruiter 4 times before she would believe me. I fantasize about being onstage in front of a sold out theater or club with the audience hanging on every note I sing and play. I want to smash a guitar on stage and dive off the stage into a sea of strangers who have never met me but know every word to the lyrics of my soul. I crave the tranquillity of an overdriven amplifier screaming and moaning to my will, my hair hanging low, dripping and shaking with my body, which is acting out every single note.
It's 1:00 am. I am 32 years old. Tomorrow I will keep looking for a summer job until school starts again in September. I know I should be thankful for all I have - and I am. I truly am. But every once in a while I just want to burn down the night.
I am the Reverend Humpy and I have approved this message.
2 comments:
I hear ya. But take heart that you DO have an incredible life, most excellent friends, a great band that (whether or not you're selling platinum) kicks ass every time, consistent progress toward a career goal your tailor-made for, and a wicked sense of humor and wit. Breathe deeply and rock on.
Thanks, friend. I'm feeling much better now, but every once in a while it's just nice to throw some childish venting down on this motha'.
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